Did You Hear?
Golf Quotes •
Golf Verse
“Golf is a game, perverse; one day you score much
better, the next time it's much worse.” - C.E., 8/1/05
“I do think the competition for the golf dollar
is starting to heat up in my neck of the woods, which is a good
thing.” - R.A., 5/24/04
“You've just one problem. You stand too close
to the ball--after you've hit it.” - Sam
Snead
“I'm hitting the woods just great,
but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.”
- Harry Tofcano
“When it's breezy, hit it easy.”
- Davis Love, Jr.
“You can't go into a shop and buy a good game of golf.”
- Sam Snead
“Played eighteen holes with a client last Saturday.
Got my ass kicked. Now I can send him his invoice.” - Ingo
Stroup
“If some players took a fork to their mouths the
way they take the club back, they'd starve to death.” -
Sam Snead
“There are no short hitters
on the tour anymore—just long and unbelievably long.”
- Sam Snead
“Golf got complicated
when I had to wear shoes and begin thinking about what I was doing.”
- Sam Snead
“When the path ahead of you is uphill, surrounded by
rough spots, hazards and obstacles: use a pitching wedge.”
- Lee Bracken
“I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio,
and one over a swimming pool.” - George Brett
“One hundred years of experience had demonstrated that
the game is temporary insanity practiced in a pasture.”
- Dave Kindred
“I’m gambling that when we get into the next life,
Saint Peter will look at us and ask, “Golfer?” And when
we nod, he will step aside and say, “Go right in; you’ve
suffered enough.” One warning, if you do go in and the first
thing you see is a par 3 surrounded by water, it ain’t heaven.”
- Jim Murray
“It’s the most humbling sport ever. It’s
like a lousy lover. It’s like some guy who’s never there
when you need him. Every once in a while, he comes and makes you
feel like heaven on earth.. And then the moment you say, ‘I
really need this,’ he’s gone.” - Dinah Shore
“Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around
a cow pasture.” - Sir Winston Churchill
“Golf is, in part, a game; but only in part. It is
also in part a religion, a fever, a vice, a mirage, a frenzy, a
fear, an abscess, a joy, a thrill, a pest, a disease, an uplift,
a brooding, a melancholy, a dream of yesterday, and a hope for tomorrow.”
- New York Tribune (1916)
“By the time you get to your ball, if you don't
know what to do with it, try another sport.” - Julius
Boros, a U.S. Open and PGA champion
“If a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and
cockleburs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot.”
- Old Saying
“Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron
was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.” - Jim
Murray
“Frankly, I don't like their selection of argyle here
at all.”-Comment overheard in an up-scale pro-shop.
“Baffling late-life discovery: Golfers wear those
awful clothes on purpose.”
- Herb Caen
“I miss. I miss. I miss. I make.” - Seve
Ballesteros’ description of his four-putt at No. 16 at Augusta
in 1988.
“Watching the Masters on CBS is like attending a church
service. Announcers speak in hushed, pious tones, as if to convince
us that something of great meaning and historical importance is
taking place. What we are actually seeing is grown men hitting little
balls with sticks.” - Tom Gilmore
“He’s hit it fat.... It will probably be short....
It just hit the front edge of the green.... It’s got no chance....
It’s rolling toward the cup.... Well I’ll be damned!”
- Jimmy Demaret
“Swing hard in case you hit it.” -
Dan Marino
“It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits
in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.”
- Hank Aaron
“Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?”
- Al Boliska
“My favorite shots are the practice swing and
the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.” - Lord
Robertson
“A 1996 survey by the renowned Scottish golf club
St. Andrews, though incomplete, tallied over 25 million golfers
from respondents at 11,600 golf clubs in Europe, Australia, and
parts of South America, Africa, the Middle East, and the Far East.”
- Stephanie Joyce, Why the Grass Isn't Always Greener (Environmental
Health Perspectives, August 1998)
“There's something I call the ‘television
effect’. Golfers watch the U.S. National Tournament at the
Augusta [Georgia] golf course, one of the world's great courses.
The course has been styled to appear perfect for a TV show, although
it doesn't look that good for the rest of the year. But golfers
around the country see that magnificent-looking course, and then
pressure their local golf course managers to replicate the Augusta
course even though the local climate, soils, and native plants may
not be at all like those in the Southeast.” - Michael
Alexander, chair of the Sierra Club’s Presidio Task Force in
San Francisco, California (Environmental
Health Perspectives, August 1998)
“Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find
the ball, repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.”
- Chuck Hogan
“Samuel Ryder, the originial patron of the Ryder Cup,
was buried with his 5-iron, the only sensible thing to do with any
golf club, really.” - Bernie Lincicome, Chicago
Tribune
“Just you wait -- it's going to be hailing golf balls
the size of basketballs before long!” - Dan Gluesenkamp
“To play golf you need goofy pants and a fat ass.”
- Happy Gilmore
“Real pressure in golf is playing for $10 when you've
only got $5 in your pocket.” - Lee Trevino
“Never break your putter and your driver in the same round
or you're dead.” - Tommy Bolt
“Golf is typical capitalist luncay.” - George Bernard
Shaw
“Unfortunately, the suit is so stiff,
I can't do this with two hands, but I'm going to try a little sand-trap
shot here.” - Alan Shepard, Apollo 14 Commander January
31 - February 9, 1971, Astronaut, Amateur Golfer during his
golf shot on the moon.
“Got more dirt than ball. Here we go again.”
- Alan Shepard, Apollo 14 Commander, Astronaut, Amateur Golfer preparing
to take another swing for a golf moon shot.
“Miles and miles and miles.” -
Alan Shepard, Apollo 14, after connecting with his second golf ball
on the moon.
“He topped and buried it on the first swing. I
assume that the six-iron was snuck on board.” - Jones
talking about Alan Shepard's Apollo 14 lunar golf game.
“Because of the suit I was wearing, I couldn't
make a good pivot on the swing. And I had to hit the ball with one
hand.” - Alan Shepard talking about his moon shot.
“The suit was so clumsy, being pressurized,
it was impossible to get two hands comfortably on the handle and
it’s impossible to make any kind of a turn. It was kind of
a one-handed chili-dip.” - Alan Shepard talking about his
moon shot to Ottawa Golf magazine.
“Then I thought, with the same clubhead
speed, the ball’s going to go at least six times as far. There’s
absolutely no drag, so if you do happen to spin it, it won’t
slice or hook 'cause there’s no atmosphere to make it turn.”
- Alan Shepard talking about his moon shot to Ottawa Golf magazine.
“G is for Green, that's constructed to roll
In every direction away from the hole.” - Richard Armour, Golf
Is a Four-Letter Word.
Golf Verse
I've tried all the tips and received much instruction.
It didn't help at all so I used deduction.
I figured it out, the thing my game lacks.
I'll never be a pro cause I can't stand the slacks.
- John Prince
This is the substance of our Plot—
For those who play the Perfect Shot,
There are ten thousand who do not.
- Grantland Rice, Dedicated to the Duffer
This golfer has a wicked slice
And quite a follow-through
That’s why his partner, who stood too close,
Is on the green in two.
-Richard Armour
The life of the golfer is not all gloom;
There's always the lies in the locker room.
- Sammy Cahn and Jimmy van Heusen, "Straight Down the Middle"
Some golfers blast their ball from traps
With one adroit explosion,
But others, out in ten perhaps,
Depend upon erosion.
- Richard Armour, Golf is a Four-Letter Word (1962)
Mary had a little putt, she needed it for par.
Mary has a second putt...the first one went too far!
- Margaret Kennard, Rhymes from the Rough (1992)
Here's to the man with club in hand
Here's to the king of bogey land;
Here's to the clubs with outlandish names
And here's to golf, the game of games!
- The Father Gander Golf Book (1909)
“Some golfers lie awake at night
And brood on what went wrong;
I'd rather think of what went right.
It doesn't take as long.”
- Dick Emmons
If I ever make a hole in one,
A thrill that I've never known,
I won't be believed and I'll have no fun,
For I'm sure to be playing alone.
- Richard Armour, Golf is a Four-Letter Word
When hitting wedge shots, I've a flair
That's turning my hair gray;
They stop, I swear, right next to where
The pin was...yesterday.
- Dick Emmons
I drove a ball into the air.
It fell to earth, I know not where.
But if I'd found it, I'll bet you,
I would have done that hole in two!
- Miles Bantock
I sank a long and curling putt,
It's like I've seldom seen;
It would have helped my scoring but,
'Twas on the practice green.
-Richard Armour, Golf Is a Four-Letter Word
If you foozle with your cleek,
And your putts are let's say—weak
If your drives, for all to see,
Do not always leave the tee.
And to slice them is a habit,
If, in short, you're a rabbit.
Do not put your clubs away
Drink a Guinness every day.
-Guinness advertisement
My ball is in a bunch of fern,
A jolly place to be;
An angry man is close astern–
He waves his club at me.
Well, let him wave–the sky is blue;
Go on, old ball, we are but two–
We may be down in three,
Or nine–or ten–or twenty-five–
It matters not; to be alive
Is good enough for me.
- A. P. Herbert
If only I kept my
eye on the ball,
Looking downward as does the pro there,
I might not see where it was going, at all,
But there might be a chance it would go there.
- Richard Armour, Golf Is a Four-Letter Word
Thou giv’st me to the world’s last hour
A golfer’s fame divine;
I boast–thy gift–a Driver’s power,
If I can Putt–’tis thine.
- Patric Dickinson, A Round of Golf Courses
"I'm off my game," the golfer said
And shook his locks in woe;
"My putter never lays me dead,
My drives will never go;
Howe'er I swing, howe'er I stand,
Results are still the same,
I'm in the but, I'm in the sand--
I'm off my game!"
- Andrew Lang, Off My Game
The golf course being
rather far,
I have an excuse to take the car.
And since the holes are far apart,
I have an excuse to use a cart.
But one thing has me still defeated—
You cannot hit the ball while seated.
- Donna Evleth
And thus, with self-deception bland,
We mourn the fours that should have been,
Forgetting, on the other hand,
The luck that helped us through the green;
Calmly accepting as our due
The four-hole which we fluked in two.
- Thomas Risk, The Lyric of the Links
This is the substance of our Plot—
For those who play the Perfect Shot,
There are ten thousand who do not.
- Grantland Rice, Dedicated to the Duffer
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